D-Day +2

I hate this day. I wish June 1st never came again. If I had the power to change the calendar, June would start on the 2nd.

 June 1st: Diagnosis Day… This was the day we found out Jen had cancer. and life changed forever. I told myself I wouldn’t get emotional. I wouldn’t mention it to the kids. This day would be like any other. On the outside, I keep that promise. On the inside it was a rough day.

 So here I am. It’s 11:30 on a Sunday Night and I have no possibility of falling asleep.

 The day to day stuff feels normal now. We get along in our routines and life goes on. I simply do all the things that need to get done. It’s tiring but as long as I’m “doing” I don’t dwell on anything. I don’t really think about the situation until a conflict comes up and I have to scramble, or I see a good looking woman or a couple together. Then it hits me... I used to be part of something like that. I used to be part of a team like that. It makes me jealous. Petty, I know, but none-the less true.

 Mother’s day was tough for us. I wish their mother was there. They really didn’t celebrate it, and i didn’t push them to. But somehow that didn’t feel right. That somehow if they didn’t celebrate Mother’s day they were forgetting Jen.

 A little while back I had dinner with a friend and co-worker that I’ve known for quite some time. She was in town for the week and asked if I wanted to join up for dinner at her favorite place in town, which just happened to be Jen’s (and my) favorite place in town. I gladly accepted since it was a chance to talk to another single parent. Her circumstances aren’t quite the same, but still, she’s a single parent, and I haven’t really had a chance to see how another single parent copes. We discussed a number of topics but we found an (at least to me) unexpected common ground around loneliness. Not that we need another person there to justify us or what we do, but just to be there. To simply be present. Someone who's there when you turn around. She mentioned that she missed having someone there, at the end of the day, just to say “ it’s going to work out. It’s going to be OK” That hit so close to home I had to shield my eyes for a bit by concentrating on my dinner.

 It hit home because I spend most of my day exactly worrying about how things are going to turn out. For example, I wake up every morning in a panic. It’s as sure as the sun rises in the east. The first thought through my head is “what do I have to get done today?” then "what am I behind on?” to "how the heck am I going to succeed today?” to “I’m so behind” to “here we go again.” to "today's going to be the day it all catches up to me." And that’s the first 10 seconds of my day. The same is true at bedtime where the same questions loom. Jen was always there to ground me, to speak some simple words that stripped away all of the self imposed crap that I managed to load up on throughout the day. It would put my mind at ease, for at least a few moments, and I knew that regardless of what tomorrow brought we'd face it together.

 That’s really where I am right now. It’s not that I need a physical companion, though that WOULD be nice. It’s just to have that someone there who can see past all the crap you’ve got going on in your head. Someone who’s got your back. Someone to hold on to. Someone who doesn’t need to say a word. Someone with whom you just "are". Someone who knows you so thoroughly, and you trust so completely, that there is not a single thing you can’t confide, do, or go through with them. I…, we, had that. That’s the real void right now.

 And then there’s the worry about the girls: How are they doing? Are they making friends? are they growing intellectually, am I getting them in enough activities, am I spending enough time with them, am I spending too much time with them, am I facilitating them getting together with friends, am I building strong capable girls who grow up to be strong capable women?

 The worry. never. stops. period.
I’m going to die an early death because of all this anxiety. The studies prove it…. Great.

 Sydney’s begun to tell me that I need to stop being constantly stressed out and worrying all the time. I certainly agree. She suggested I read some web pages on how to de-stress. Bless her soul. Innocence personified. Sweetie, I’ve read more self help books and websites than anyone. I wish it were that easy. I’ve been stuck in “crisis mode” for so long, its now the base setting. I’ve been trying to de-stress for years. I wish it were that easy.

 I’ve already started to hate the summer that’s coming up. The Girls will go away to Jen’s Father’s family for camping and fishing for an extend period. After that they’ll go to My parent’s place for a week. In total they’ll be away from me for three weeks. I’ll see them on the weekends when I drive up but during the week I’ll be alone. I don’t do well alone. Last year I did some pretty stupid things when the kids were gone. I’m going to try and keep them home the rest of the summer. I do much better when they are here.

 Life is messy. It’s gray, not black and white. And regardless of your best intentions things can, and sometimes do, go horribly wrong. Life shatteringly wrong. I’ve learned that part, and I’m trying to learn the next lesson: You keep on living, keep on trying anyway. We/I haven’t stopped, but it’s not very easy to lay down long term plans when you know that in an instant they can be rendered moot. The very successful people get up over and over again, regardless. I’m trying to get up again.

More things I’ve learned:
Hotles in San Diego in July are expensive.
Frozen Salisbury steak works awesome in a slow cooker, so long as you don’t slice yourself open when trying to chop it into pieces that fit.
A watched pot never boils. Or a watched boil never goes to pot (I forget which)
Sky Vodka doesn’t produce hang overs for me. VERY handy.
The only place I seem to be accumulating fat is my face and my sides… Just perfect for a guy trying to clean up his appearance both inwardly and outwardly.