The Changing of the Guard

We've settled into an uneasy normal now at the Engel house.  Jen seems to be doing better, the kids are into their summer mode, and I'm going to work everyday.  Outwardly, we look to be the typical suburban family,  inwardly we're all a little on edge.

Jen's mom Kathy needed to get back home to central Wisconsin to take care of other matters.  It was a godsend to have her here for the two weeks we did.  So my mom came up from Naperville to take her place.  A "changing of the guard" if you will.  An extra hand isn't really needed for the entire day.  Jen's able to watch the kids and do some smaller household tasks during the workday hours.  But she can't do it the whole day, and naps frequently.  So, someone really does need to be here for the kids during those times.

Jen's actually been more active and about over the past few days.  She's going 3 hours between pain meds sometimes, which in the grand scheme of things, is a plus.  It's too early for the Xalkori to have had much affect yet.  So it has to be due to the fact that she's trying to be more active.    Again, looking at her, most of the time you wouldn't know she's got it as bad as she does.  She's up, walking around, joking with the kids... Takes a lot of naps and gets tired fast but overall she doesn't look that bad.

Jen goes in for blood work, labs, and a examination with DR. Santana on Wednesday.  Since she will have been on the treatment for only 13 days by that point, we won't have any true tests to see if the tumors have been effective.  So, we wait for any true measure of progress.  Did I mention that I can't stand waiting and ambiguity?

Every now and then I wonder if I'm imagining all this cancer stuff.  That somehow I've had some sort of mental breakdown and I'm just making this up in my head.  Because Jen's up and around, the kids are running around having fun, I'm going to work... nothing's wrong. Right?  And for that second, I've forgotten about Jen's condition.  Then it all comes home again. That's what makes this so uneasy.  She doesn't look like she's got cancer.  Obviously that's a great thing.  It's a blessing, sure.  But it really does make it confusing, at least for me.

Sydney, however, is having trouble.  She's a perfectionist and recently she's just fallen apart emotionally trying to make or do something.  I don't know how to help her cause I'm right there on that edge too.  Little setbacks are dangerous for both of us.

Working has its benefits and difficulties right now.   Doing the IT governance thing makes me focus on something different, but I've got the attention span of a 6 year old.  Working the household and medical logistics, doing deep dives on process, and making timely decisions for my JCI role is tough.  I've found that I've got about 20 minutes of focus at a time.  Then, inevitably, my mind wanders to outside of work, validates Jen's condition,  and I have to prop myself back up emotionally.  I feel guilty about that.  I'm horribly inefficient right now.

Tomorrow is the third 5K run for the Oracle center of excellence.  I won't be running.  That's going to be the wrong move in some folks eyes, but tough.  Put yourself in my shoes.  The last thing this family needs is for me to do something stupid and keel over from a heart attack.  I should do a light jog, sure.  But, inevitably I'll push my heart to the edge just because I can't stand losing to some better runners.  Nope.  Not gonna do it.  Maybe that's a stupid way of looking at it but I'm trying to reduce every risk right now.  I haven't ridden the motorcycle into work since mid May either.  With all the hot dry weather we've had it was perfect for commuting by motorcycle.  But somehow, riding in with bumper to bumper traffic seems like undo risk now.  I hope that goes away eventually.