Day 10: The New Numb

Jen's been holding steady over the past few days.  Still on the pain meds.  Still toughing it out.  I've moved into a phase where I'm either extremely angry over the illness, or I'm just numb, bumbling, and inefficient.  Outwardly, I'm keeping it pretty tight, but things are churning just under the surface.  Little setbacks are dangerous.  I've flown off the handle a couple of times.

The big questions remain:  How tough will the treatments be on Jen; and will the tumors respond to treatment.  Answers to these determine the future.

The kids have begun to make "get well" cards and have longer faces.  They aren't laughing as much as last week.  I think the reality of it is settling in for them.  No one's asked the big "Is mom going to die?" question yet which surprises me.  On one hand you want them to open up and ask these questions because then you know they're understand what's going on.  On the other hand you want them to hold on to whatever innocence they have left, and if they aren't worried about Mom dying, why burden them with it?

On Friday the Arth's dropped off the most amazing chicken soup we've had in years.  There were no leftovers.  On Saturday, Visu dropped off two Indian dishes.  Everyone loved the rice.  The potatoes were too spicy for evryone else but me.  Nothing went to waste. A sincere thanks to everyone who's stopped by or supplied something.  It gives me hope, that when it get's really tough, there's a team waiting to lend a hand.  It means more than you know.

Saw Father Matthew at St. Mary's on Saturday.  It was less comforting than I expected.  I did most of the talking.  The discussion went through the "God has a plan for all of us; God doesn't cause bad things to happen; and He's there with us through it all" stages.  I'm not sure exactly what I expected to come out of it, but I left more angry (at the situation) than when I arrived.  If He has the plan, and bad things happen, then who/what's to blame for it?  It's that contradiction that I'm struggling with.  Not that there's an answer, but I'm struggling with it none the less.  And how does all this affect the girls formation of faith and how they see God?  How could it have any positive effect?

Got the package from the Livestrong organization on Saturday.  Now the entire family is wearing the wristbands showing their support.

Jen didn't make it into the clinical trial we had been hoping for, so she'll only be getting the standard 3 drug cocktail for her treatment.  I'm bummed by that, but we've got a plan and we're executing it.

Weds

• Lab work to be sure her "numbers" are good and get cleared for chemo
• procedure to put in the "port" under her collarbone so they don't have to start an IV every time they need to take blood or administer treatment.  

Thursday

• Chemo: 12 hours of it.